Feb 21 2010

This part of my life, I like to call frustration. (WARNING. This blog is basically me venting.)

I'm frustrated. Remember how lately I feel like I have no clue what I'm doing up here, and I feel kinda like a big fat waste of time and money and space? That feeling is not going away, in fact, it's getting increasingly stronger. How am I supposed to focus on school when I can't even reason for me to stay up here? I was doing alright, me and Troy were seeing each other on the weekends, I was talking to Parker, and I was spending every waking moment with Troy. Recently however, one of these things has changed.

A couple weekends ago, I went home with Tori. On the way back, she was talking about her break up with Hadley, and drama at home, and things like this. I had said a few things about Troy, but really, I was listening to her because I was concerned, because I had noticed a change in her mood recently. She flat out told me that she didn't like that I had a boyfriend and she didn't. What do you say to something like that? It hurt. I was not very happy about it, but I didn't say anything for fear that it would make this weird ornery mood of hers stick around, and I didn't want it directed at me. Especially since we had an hour long drive left.

So that was about a week ago. The entire week leading up to this weekend, Tori came to my house like.......twice. It has been awkward. She doesn't want to talk to me anymore, and I have felt like she is constantly mad at me, and I'm always on edge for fear I'm making it worse just by existing. So Troy was coming up this weekend. She knew this, and was just going to have to deal with it. However, she wanted me to ditch Troy, or bring him awkwardly along, to a girls night that her roommates were having on Friday. I don't even really know her roommates, let alone comfortable with them to bring my boyfriend to their girls night. Not happening. So, she was mad at me all day Friday for not doing this. I was just nice to her, and didn't do anything. If she wanted to be mad over something that stupid, then fine.

Saturday night rolls around. She was going to invite some guy to go to the basketball game with me, and Troy and Logan. The guy bailed or didn't get back to her in time, so she text me and told me it was just going to be her. So the four of us go to dinner, and go to the game. From the start, she was awkwardly quiet, and wouldn't really respond to anything I had to say. When someone doesn't talk back to the things you say to them for an hour, you eventually stop talking to them. It's natural. We went to Logan's to play Clue, and it got even worse. She was pissed at me by halfway through the game, and I don't even know why. I was playing. I wasn't being mean to her, and I was trying to get her to have a good time. Whatever. Go to the game, and she doesn't even speak to me.

She left after half time.

I discovered her reasoning behind why she was mad. Not entirely the boyfriend like I thought. Oh no. She feels inferior to me. Do you know how mad that makes me? Do you know how frustrating it is, when people don't like you because you're too smart? Because you get good grades, and apply yourself to school? I didn't ask to be good with numbers. I didn't ask to like weird things, like punctuation books. I didn't ask the teacher to give me ONE POINT HIGHER on my paper than her. What makes me the most mad, is that she is doing better in our Human Development class than I am. And she's inferior to me. It's not the me part that makes me mad. It's the fact that she can't see just how great of a person she truly is, and the impact that she had on me. She doesn't have a boyfriend right now, SO WHAT. She is depending on that form of attention to create who she is. She believes that when she has a boy, she is better. I am outraged.

And I'm extremely hurt. It hurts me to realize that she thinks that about me. I thought she was my best friend, and I trusted her. It hurts to know that she doesn't like me. She thinks I'm too smart, and too good. That puts me in the worst position. And it kills.

Now our friendship is cold and fake. I still love her greatly, and care about her. But no longer will she be the one I confide in when I just feel like crying. I'm not going to share any school information with her, because I'm terrified it will hurt her feelings. I'm afraid to help her with math, because she will think I'm calling her stupid. She made me afraid to be me, and that's not what a best friend should do.

Over reacting. That is what you're all thinking I'm doing. But you have no idea what it is like.

Now, my original feelings towards not wanting to be here, are even stronger. Because the only people I know care, are at home. My family. Parker. Troy. Jennifer and Melissa.

I'm totally alone.

I know that I have the church. That Heavenly Father is there for me always. And that I never really am alone. I know that there are friends in the ward, and my roommates would do anything. But it's not the same.

And it's extremely difficult.

I have been trying so hard to be happy with life. But I let myself cry tonight.

And I cried hard.